Monday, June 8, 2009

Lesbian handjob

This is something I "tweeted" thought it would make an interesting addition, enjoy it 140 (or less) characters at a time:

PSA: if u have a lesbian friend, and she offers u a handjob to "try it out". say no, dont ask why. just ... say no.

I didnt want to share the lesbian handjob story but @hypnotized805 insists.

The first thing I must share is..this isnt ur run of the mill femme-lesbian. 5'7, 170-180lbs.

One of those chicks you invite over to watch baseball, and she knows the pitching coaches name for the opposing team.

ok, enough about her, more about me, and my life-long regret

Ofcourse any "i got a handjob from a lesbian chick" story starts with liquor, it wasnt sexy, it was ol english beer and jager

IIm telling her a story of a PREVIOUS handjob by some chick who looked like ms piggy, with wider nostrils. we'll call her "porki-ex" for now

So, she laughs, and makes an "ive seen i done, i wana try" comment. if it was anyone else.. the pants would had flown off. but NO.

i try to sneek the "ill hook u up with my boy" line in there, and immediately changed the topic back to something neutral, gatorade flavors

well fuck it, ill skip the light groping stories while listening to G-depp.

so here i am, denim shorts around the ankles, listening to diddy remixes, with this chick who could have played strong safety stroking me

and outside of the obvious..i was NOT having a good time. no rhythm to it..she had manly hands, and they were dry. so schaffin was in place

so she has the vice grip on it, and decides to take up a notch by doing the "finger nail on the shaft" thing............

and ladies i need you to pay attention to this. fingernails = not pleasant. stop it. i didnt expect her to know this, shes a dude wit a vag.

so i tried to make her aware, but all that came out was a drunken squeel, something like "i hate u, stop it, get off me"

she insisted on not stopping, something about "i want it to be a happy ending" so i take over, and by take over i mean.. im standing over

so there i am, standing over her, balls on forehead, stroking to "take that take that"..and the only thing that came to mind was. why me

so, mid-stroke i stopped, pulled pants back up, and said thanks a lot for a great time. that day..i picked up smoking cigarettes

to this day, when i see her. our informal greeting is a fist bump followed by an around the world snap, and 2 strokes.

im done, i need a cigarette. thx.

Monday, June 1, 2009

What's in a good hook?

My father, bless his heart, was a smoker from the age of 14, up until he was 75 years old. We always had humor in common, so for his 75th birthday I signed him up for an anti smoking seminar in West Palm Beach, FL. The seminar began this way ” Smoking helps you lose weight ! One lung at a time !” there was widespread laughter and the speaker was able to hold the attention inspite of it being a pre-lunch session.

Happy to share, after that seminar my father has not smoked a single cigarrete. He recently celebrated his 80th birthday in sunny Dominican Republic, the only smoke present was from the fireworks display.