Lesbian handjob

This is something I "tweeted" thought it would make an interesting addition, enjoy it 140 (or less) characters at a time:


PSA: if u have a lesbian friend, and she offers u a handjob to "try it out". say no, dont ask why. just ... say no.

I didnt want to share the lesbian handjob story but @hypnotized805 insists.

The first thing I must share is..this isnt ur run of the mill femme-lesbian. 5'7, 170-180lbs.

One of those chicks you invite over to watch baseball, and she knows the pitching coaches name for the opposing team.

ok, enough about her, more about me, and my life-long regret

Ofcourse any "i got a handjob from a lesbian chick" story starts with liquor, it wasnt sexy, it was ol english beer and jager

IIm telling her a story of a PREVIOUS handjob by some chick who looked like ms piggy, with wider nostrils. we'll call her "porki-ex" for now

So, she laughs, and makes an "ive seen i done, i wana try" comment. if it was anyone else.. the pants would had flown off. but NO.

i try to sneek the "ill hook u up with my boy" line in there, and immediately changed the topic back to something neutral, gatorade flavors

well fuck it, ill skip the light groping stories while listening to G-depp.

so here i am, denim shorts around the ankles, listening to diddy remixes, with this chick who could have played strong safety stroking me

and outside of the obvious..i was NOT having a good time. no rhythm to it..she had manly hands, and they were dry. so schaffin was in place

so she has the vice grip on it, and decides to take up a notch by doing the "finger nail on the shaft" thing............

and ladies i need you to pay attention to this. fingernails = not pleasant. stop it. i didnt expect her to know this, shes a dude wit a vag.

so i tried to make her aware, but all that came out was a drunken squeel, something like "i hate u, stop it, get off me"

she insisted on not stopping, something about "i want it to be a happy ending" so i take over, and by take over i mean.. im standing over

so there i am, standing over her, balls on forehead, stroking to "take that take that"..and the only thing that came to mind was. why me

so, mid-stroke i stopped, pulled pants back up, and said thanks a lot for a great time. that day..i picked up smoking cigarettes

to this day, when i see her. our informal greeting is a fist bump followed by an around the world snap, and 2 strokes.

im done, i need a cigarette. thx.

What's in a good hook?

My father, bless his heart, was a smoker from the age of 14, up until he was 75 years old. We always had humor in common, so for his 75th birthday I signed him up for an anti smoking seminar in West Palm Beach, FL. The seminar began this way ” Smoking helps you lose weight ! One lung at a time !” there was widespread laughter and the speaker was able to hold the attention inspite of it being a pre-lunch session.

Happy to share, after that seminar my father has not smoked a single cigarrete. He recently celebrated his 80th birthday in sunny Dominican Republic, the only smoke present was from the fireworks display.

public bathroom etiquette

Ah yes! The last friday of the month... what will catch my wrath? people that talk on their cell phones in a public bathroom? SURE...no let's add more to it... with their pants around their ankles. on the crapper. SERIOUSLY. I was taking a leak in the restaurant, and i heard a muffled voice to my right. Mind you, per bathroom ettiquette, i made no investigation if the crappers where occupied. all I had to do was piss, and there was an open urinal, so anything that went on in a sit down area was none of my business...thusly, i was unaware that someone occupied the stall right next to the urinal i occupied. ..word back to the muffled voices. i assume that the guy has taken off his headphones or has them really loud so i am just catching that. i finish my business, shake no more than three times, and go wash my hands, OCD style. so word after i turn off the water and reach for the towel... i hear dude in stall talking, and realize whats going on. he is taking a shit and talking on the phone. PAUSE...first off, taking a shit is a private time and should not be disturbed under any circumstances. it is a time of personal reflection. i have solved pretty much every dilemma in my life in the fortress of solitude that is taking a dump. secondly, if one is forced to take a dump in a public bathroom, there is no way that any contact with the outside world should be made, save a grunt to ward off any turdburglars try to break into your stall - which has happened to me on occassion.(yet another story for another time)

so word.. this guy broke all international taking a dump treaties. he flaunted this by talking on his phone... and having the volume on his phone so loud that i could hear it while I took a piss SEVERAL feet away. and what of whoever he was talking to? If i could hear what they were saying, could they here the plop of his work? could they here my manly steady stream? NOT COOL... why would you continue talking to someone who was at work in the bathroom? i certainly would want nothing to do with that. at all. I would rather talk to someone in the throws of sex (a la Paris Hilton, who evidently answers her phone mid coitus…i mean uh.. thats what i hear, cus uh i have never seen her video. or any porn at all. ever.... today).

maybe cellphones and cordless phones have gone too far. if you called someone 20 years ago, there is no way you would have to concern yourself with the potential of talking to them with there trousers around there ankles while they squeeze out the carne asada burrito they ate 20 minutes ago...word ..because no jackass would put a phone in their bathroom. except that jackass in the Bond movie. but he was evil. really evil.
the lesson here? PLEASE DONT TALK TO PEOPLE WHILE ANYTHING IS EXCRETING ITSELF FROM ANY ORIFICE.

its just common courtesy. word.

breakups are tough

Dear Hand,

I wanted to tell you in person, but I wanted to avoid a potentially hostile scene. First off let me say the years we have had together have been wonderful. I feel like it has been a mutually satisfactory relationship that we have had. I know over the years I have occasionally stepped out on you, but I have always come back to you. It pains me to say it, but we have always open with one another. I just want to let you know that I can no longer be exclusive with you. It is not you, it is ME. I am not in a place in my life where I can be committed to just one person, or hand. I need to experience what life has to offer, be it be our longstanding relationship or a new relationship with an actual girl.

Hopefully we can maintain our friendship, and at mutually acceptable times, maybe have some benefits.



All the best,

waK the midger hunter

and another thing...

seriously...nowadays i go through my day and end up infuriated.. fuming.. seething and LIVID at the sheer vast numbers of imbeciles who think that resorting to profanity, obscenities and scatology is the only way to communicate their own indignation. word

trust me when i say...i have nothing against "bad language" in moderation. I use it, and there's nothing better when you whack your thumb with a hammer.. for instance. several long-winded descriptions of various sexual and filthy perversions are just the thing to distract you from that tooth-loosening bolt of pain..word ..but when morons resort to using these same terms to convey awe, amazement, approval or petty peevishness, it really gets "my goat by the throat".

..so yea.. heres an idea for all you foul-mouthed ranters out there, including the ones on myspace who think that profanity AND NOTHING ELSE will convey their fury and rage. why dont you try writing a rant WITHOUT those terms for once? word...for instance, you often resort to calling an ex or your boss by a term alluding to illicit parentage. uh...well, ive got news for you idiots: thats not even a pejorative any more! uh actually..i know several celebrities born illegitimately. so what? why does it mean anything horrible? why dont you get creative, and refer to said offender as the underbelly of a scum-sucking creature slithing through muck in the foulest, most fetid swamp in the loathsome jungles of Venus, for example? much more entertaining to read, and it gets the point across just as well. matter fact...better. its more likely to get my vote because its actually ORIGINAL. you who resort to profanity and obscenity exclusively havent an original bone in your whole entire maggot-eaten putrid-smelling carcass.

really the best insults ive ever read have usually been free of "those" words. theres a scene in The Shining where a character cuts someone off in traffic because hes having a psychic vision. ..so then the other driver invites him to perform an illegal sex act on himself, to engage in congress with various rodents and birds.. and believes that he met the drivers mother in a New Orleans house of prostitution. now THATS a lot funnier than simply saying those tiresome words which we've all heard a gazillion times before.

word...so that means clean up your mouths, people! or perhaps I should make it clearer for all you who still dont get it: Take your cocksucking, motherfucking, shitty dick sucking bitching and shove every last filthy polysyllable right up your ass with the rest of your crap...WORD

say hell yea to the upperdecker

so word.. apparently there was some sort of reference to an "upper decker" in some reality show... I didnt know what it was so I looked it up. so word...eere is the definition I found:

1. upper decker

The act of defecating in the upper tank of the toilet. When the next poor unsuspecting person flushes the toilet they get a bowl of beef stew. the upper decker is a weapon of terror and should only be used on people who deserve it.

word.. so what that translates to in my ubber-evil mind? dont spite me. i now know of a vengeance method the likes of which hasnt been seen.

MUHAHAHAHAHHA


ok..thats all for now ;P

30 things to do before u turn 30

NOTE: these are random and in no particular order... so bare...with....me!
1. get laid. no...seriously. dont go AC Green and wait till you are 40. GO Get freaking laid; NOW! ..but wear a rubber dude.
2. get drunk. a lot. word...no explanation necessary.
3.avoid responsibility like the plague. as far as you should be concerned it is. cause seriously...nothing good comes from responsibility, other than work...and no one likes work. NO ONE. Anyone who says they like work is lying.
4.travel to Europe. this is really just furthering the first three. but there is the added benefit of many good picture opportunities, the bullshit you can tell people who claim to be responsible that you are culturing yourself (which is the biggest load of shit, you go to europe for the food, booze, and women/men depending on how you swing), and the stamps on your passport...word
5. CLIMB something. I was going to climb Mount Rainier, but it turns out that is like 14,000 feet high. so NOPE... yea..i settled for el pico duarte - true story. which is about 9000. it seemed more realistic. but uh..feel free to be more ambitious, but if you attempt to climb any mountain where you need oxygen, you are an idiot.
6. hang out with a midget...again no explanation needed
7. stage a violent regime overthrow in a small country. liechtenstein was pretty easy to take over. it got boring after a while..also...no hotpockets there.. so I left...but i might suggest maybe myanmar? word...
8. make fun of France and Canada whenever possible. you dont even need a reason...and it NEVER gets old...ever
9. take pictures of yourself jump kicking or jump high fiving...ha...word.. get in on the new thing before it becomes played out and "french" (see how easy 8 is?).
10. spend an entire day on your couch. this takes serious planning. Key Items to remember: get small fridge and place near couch to keep your potations fresh, fresh batteries in your remote, strict bathroom rules to avoid cheating, and the key is being the laziest person alive. 11. punch a bum...and yes this might seem harsh, but its on the list, so go do it now! and if you already have, go do it again.
12. apologize to above bum. WHY? well... there is a good chance he is crazy, and he doesnt have anything to lose. but he will probably appreciate the human interaction. QUE SWEET!
13. Go to college. once again this is another good way to further the first 3 points.
14. write a book. It will probably suck and not get published, because you are likely an idiot and have nothing interesting to say, but at least you can say you are shopping your novel... this may or may not get you laid once, which would make it worthwhile. (you might even be able to use this for 1)
15. I am really running out of stuff at this point. so eat a hamburger or something...a BIG one
16. Invade Canada. How hard could it be?
17. while youre at it...Invade France. if you encounter any problems, tell them you are german and they will run for the hills. (by the way, if you are french and reading this, as far as you know i am german - from the eastside).
18. get drunk at the beach, toss the football around with your friends, overthrow someone horribly and nail a small child in the back. i achieved good results with this move. -major karma points
19. if ever confronted with an opportunity to administer a "dutch oven", do not hesitate. if youre not 100% sure what this is...google? m'kay thanks?
20. read BOOKS. It will make you less stupid. you will still be stupid, but marginally less so, which may help you get laid.
21. mastermind the robbery of a french bank. If caught, tell them you are german... at this point you ask yourself whats my beef with the french? nobody likes freedom fries! FGWB!
22. burn down a gym. it will be doing everyone a favor. damn those healthy people to hell!
23. move to the beach and become a burn out. ok...no..actually, no, dont do that. there are already enough beach jerks. on second thought, instead buy a farm and dont bother me... one that grows something edible, and delicious! buy a hotpocket farm, yes, edib-licious!
24.get a crappy arm band tatoo. that way I will know you are an idiot.
25.attend atleast one major sporting event..superbowl? the olympics? maybe world cup?
26. recently added to my list... "skydive". PAUSE.. one major lil shitkick to this request is that you must be under 240 in order to do so - maybe not so much in MY immidiate future?
27. brew your own beer. this is actually a pretty easy task,and "fulfilling" nothing better than drinkin your own brand
28. be a member of a tv audience show. preferably a talk show with flying chairs, or people that get light on fire. must do, must must must, do.
29. plant a tree! heal the world, make it a better place, for you, and for me, and for the entire human race, there are..........people ..oh my god.. get it out of my head. HELP ME HELP MEHELPMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
30.. don't die. cause... really..probably the most important thing to do before you are 30. trust me.

dickheads guide on how to pick up women

so word....after many "how do you do it champ?"

here is the ironclad way of picking up women:

1. find drunk girl. (preferrably light drool/throw up visibly on her)

2. stand near her and look tall. (this requires attention to detail - if she is standing sideways, you must also stand sideways to add to the tall "illusion")

3. wait until she comes up and tells you that you are hot. (depending on how drunk she is...other wonderful adjetives might be used)

4. go from there. (skeet skeet)

(note: this doesnt actually work unless you are both tall and good looking...also the girl is really drunk and very forward).

HOW TO THURSDAYS: how to get someone to stop talking to you

so word...everyone has been in this situation. you inadvertantly.. possibly through your mere presence.. triggered a conversation you want no part of. for example.. i was throwing some internet time many moons ago and my mom entered my room.. started giving me the lowdown on her whole day and asking about mine...so word...usually i know better. but i foolishly opened the door by expanding on my day. ROOKIE mistake number 1. before I knew it my moms was telling me about some parent of some kid that may or may not have been in my sisters class in high school (remember... this was more than 10 years ago) whose husband might have died. not a fun convo. here is a guide to avoid these conversations:

1. wear headphones all the time....word... this is KEY...every waking moment. sleeping. eating. showering (may need waterproof ones). boning chicks. ALWAYS. doesnt even matter if you have the headphones connected to any sort of audio device. its about the statement to the world... "I don't want to listen to what you have to say...wrd additionally.. i dont care about what you have to say... and finally... what you have to say is most likely mindlessly stupid so save everyone the effort of fake listening to you."

2. Go "costanza" and look angry and exasperated all the time. people will think you are busy...and will leave you alone.. but since you are reading this blog... this clearly is a fabrication...wrd...so no matter. most people are dumb. if someone approaches... sigh audibly and get a pained expression on your face (just imagine you just found out your best friend was a bandwagon Patriots fan).

3. If forced to actually communicate.. keep it simple. never more than 3 words at a time. another good play is to act like you have tourrettes syndrome and cuss at inappropriate times.

4. Never look the person trying to talk you in the face... it will convey to them that as far you are concerned they dont exist.

5. If none of this works... this calls for drastic measures. throat punches...japanese slaps... contract killers.. do whatever it takes!

------------<^>--------------

footnote: if you've noticed me practicing any of the above conversation avoidance techniques on you...you talk too much. STOP. thanks.

how to sundays: remove my nuts from ur mouth

i wanted to share how to to perform the heimlich maneuver for all of those who like to "ride my jock" ; perhaps there might be hope for you yet!

Step 1:
Ask the choking person to stand if he or she is sitting.

Step 2:
Place yourself slightly behind the standing victim.

Step 3:
Reassure the victim that you know the Heimlich maneuver and are going to help.

Step 4:
Place your arms around the victim’s waist.

Step 5:
Make a fist with one hand and place your thumb toward the victim, just above his or her belly button.

Step 6:
Grab your fist with your other hand.

Step 7:
Deliver five upward squeeze-thrusts into the abdomen.

Step 8:
Make each squeeze-thrust strong enough to dislodge a foreign body.

Step 9:
Understand that your thrusts make the diaphragm move air out of the victim’s lungs, creating a kind of artificial cough.

Step 10:
Keep a firm grip on the victim, since he or she can lose consciousness and fall to the ground if the Heimlich maneuver is not effective.

Step 11:
Repeat the Heimlich maneuver until my testicles are expelled from their mouth.




--footnote--

-If the hater is coughing strongly or able to talk, let the person try to expel my testes using his or her own efforts.

-If the choking victim displays a weak or ineffective cough, this indicates that air exchange is minimal and that you should start the Heimlich maneuver.

-Teach your family the universal choking sign--clutching the throat. Encourage everyone you know to become familiar with this sign and use it when choking on my testes.

-To avoid breaking bones, never place your hands on the victim’s breastbone or lower rib cage when performing the Heimlich maneuver.

-If choking persists, call 911 immediately. This information is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment.

editor’s note:

Thanks to ehow.com for the step-by-step on how to perform the heimlich.