Wednesday, September 9, 2009

How to Weds: Masturbate at work

If this is your first time reading one of my "HOW TO" Series of blogs, you are in for a treat; when you're done I recommend you go read the other HOW TOs... now off to the blog ->

There are written rules of proper conduct while at work. These are meant to define acceptable behaviors, and promote standard of practice. Now, outside of the adult industry world, masturbating on the clock is frawned upon. In fact, most companies often discourage all sexual activities, and even go as far as grouping them together under 'sexual harassment'. These are misguided folks, who do not comprehend that every man and/or woman should be able to masturbate as they deem necessary.

On the flip side, we can not afford complete jerk-off mayhem, so in keeping with the code of conduct mentality, I will share some quick (no pun intended) masturbation recommendations on how, where, and when to rub one out. These are written from a heterosexual male perspective; please adjust for your preferences.

AVOID: public stroking, is a no-go, yea, I know it's a lot to ask for, but trust me on this one. Everyone masturbates, and everyone defacates, and YES not everyone enjoys watching those. If they do, they probably already have it saved in their Favorites folder at their home PC.

PREPARE: This is an integral part of this process. If you are planning on using lube, wetnaps, or any visual aide make sure it is at your disposal at least three days prior. You do not need to make any last minute adjusments.

SCHEDULING: You have to commit, set aside adequate time. I recomend scheduling between two stressful meetings, or perhaps post-meeting with your supervisor. As a rule of thumb masturbating during conference calls is perfectly okay. There are a handfull of exceptions, mainly video conference calls.

COMMUNICATION: Always remember to switch of your mobile phone, I would even suggest an out-of-office autoreply in your outlook inbox. A vague message should do the trick. "I am currently handling a very delicate situation, will reply back shortly"

LOCATION: Much like with real estate, location is everything. A personal office with locked doors would be optimal. You might even try to reserve a conference room, party of one. If these are not viable options, I can suggest the handicap stall bathroom. Under no circumstance should you use your boss's office, not even if they are out of town. (I learned this one the "hard" way)

CLEAN-UP: Its a dirty job, but somebody has to do it. Fight the urge to call maintenance to clean up the "mayonaisse spill on the floor". Odds are they were listening through the walls, and they know its your knuckle-butter. This is where PREPARATION pays off, you should already have adequate supplies handy to clean up quickly.

HUSH-UP: It is a serious breach of masturbation etiquette to divulge information to others about said masturbation. What has been taken place between you and your meat should be considered as confidential. Do not leave your office with a nicholsonesque joker face, they will know. Also avoid giving everyone high fives.

In the words of Charlie Murphy, "I beat my meat, like it owes me money".

That is all for now.

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