How to Weds: Masturbate at work

If this is your first time reading one of my "HOW TO" Series of blogs, you are in for a treat; when you're done I recommend you go read the other HOW TOs... now off to the blog ->

There are written rules of proper conduct while at work. These are meant to define acceptable behaviors, and promote standard of practice. Now, outside of the adult industry world, masturbating on the clock is frawned upon. In fact, most companies often discourage all sexual activities, and even go as far as grouping them together under 'sexual harassment'. These are misguided folks, who do not comprehend that every man and/or woman should be able to masturbate as they deem necessary.

On the flip side, we can not afford complete jerk-off mayhem, so in keeping with the code of conduct mentality, I will share some quick (no pun intended) masturbation recommendations on how, where, and when to rub one out. These are written from a heterosexual male perspective; please adjust for your preferences.


AVOID: public stroking, is a no-go, yea, I know it's a lot to ask for, but trust me on this one. Everyone masturbates, and everyone defacates, and YES not everyone enjoys watching those. If they do, they probably already have it saved in their Favorites folder at their home PC.

PREPARE: This is an integral part of this process. If you are planning on using lube, wetnaps, or any visual aide make sure it is at your disposal at least three days prior. You do not need to make any last minute adjusments.

SCHEDULING: You have to commit, set aside adequate time. I recomend scheduling between two stressful meetings, or perhaps post-meeting with your supervisor. As a rule of thumb masturbating during conference calls is perfectly okay. There are a handfull of exceptions, mainly video conference calls.

COMMUNICATION: Always remember to switch of your mobile phone, I would even suggest an out-of-office autoreply in your outlook inbox. A vague message should do the trick. "I am currently handling a very delicate situation, will reply back shortly"

LOCATION: Much like with real estate, location is everything. A personal office with locked doors would be optimal. You might even try to reserve a conference room, party of one. If these are not viable options, I can suggest the handicap stall bathroom. Under no circumstance should you use your boss's office, not even if they are out of town. (I learned this one the "hard" way)

CLEAN-UP: Its a dirty job, but somebody has to do it. Fight the urge to call maintenance to clean up the "mayonaisse spill on the floor". Odds are they were listening through the walls, and they know its your knuckle-butter. This is where PREPARATION pays off, you should already have adequate supplies handy to clean up quickly.

HUSH-UP: It is a serious breach of masturbation etiquette to divulge information to others about said masturbation. What has been taken place between you and your meat should be considered as confidential. Do not leave your office with a nicholsonesque joker face, they will know. Also avoid giving everyone high fives.

In the words of Charlie Murphy, "I beat my meat, like it owes me money".

That is all for now.

Is this mic on?

Probably not.

I havent updated my blog in a while.

If you are reading this please message me on twitter with the following super secret "I read your blog" code:

@Ihuntmidgets IReadYourBlog

awesome.

How to Mondays: Levitate like Criss Angel

Found this short video and completely amazed by it. I must have watched it 5 times!

Watch this video in a new windowCriss Angel's Magic Tricks Revealed - Part 1



sidenote: I am a self-admitted asshole.

My eye sucks at life

The past 2-3 three days I keep finding ways of pissing my eye off. My eyeball ying and yang is way off kilt at this point. I can't think of the last nice thing I did for my eyes. I mean outside ofcourse of daily dosage of looking at redtube, and various other websites filled with c'est tits.

At some point earlier this week I managed to get orange juice under my eyelid. Don't ask about the physics behind it, just know that it sucked. Citric acid, and cornea are two things that are not meant to go together. The only other pain-inducing odd couple I can think of at the moment would be a rottweilers mouth and your crotch. Yea- it sucked THAT much.

The only way to get back my eye karma points would be to view something majestic. Like margaret thatcher scissor fucking barbara bush, bareback on a unicorn. Or something equally visually awesome. For now, I will settle for being a Peeing-Tom outside of my neighbors window sill.

No, that wasn't a typo. Peeing Tom, as opposed to peeping tom. Is when you mark your pervert-territory by peeing where you watch. This has its obvious downsides, mostly having to stand where you peed. The ups: ENDLESS.

Afrika Bambutta!

Nine years ago to the date, I was kicked out of PRO-AM BBOY competition in miami after an incident in which I mooned afrika bambatta.

There were a number of 1980s Hiphop Elite fucks there; during this highly-over orchestrated speech. At one point during the speech, my turettes kicked in and I challenged crazylegs and speedylegs to a bachata-off.

My hiphop scribe @Roberto_Flack was there and can confirm the validity of these events. Needless to say, I was promptly escorted out after yelling ZUZUZU and mooning the crowd of around 2,000 people.

Yea, try moving the crowd like that afrika bam! I won that round fucker. your move.


:editors note:

Title inspired by below ->
@raisedbyclowns That's a great story. He shall now be known to me as Africa Bambuttaa. Forever.

Fuck you very much

Dear Asshole who stole my cell phone,

I hope at some point you read my text messages and realize I am an evil bastard with a lot of free time. I will find you, and eat your face, with some faava beans. No - not really, please just give me my phone back. We can do lunch, I'll buy you chinese food. Also, I promise I will not stab you in the heart with the chopsticks. Okay, must admit I did think about it. Fine, I'm still thinking about it now. Alright, honestly I can't really guarantee the no-stabbing-with-the-chopsticks thing, but I will buy you an eggroll. You can definitely get an eggroll. WIN WIN for both of us!

Fuck you man.

Just give me back my fucking phone =(

Approved by God

I will add more as I remember them...ha

Random God-related things I "tweet":

Shower Curtains: proof that god doesn't want you to sit on a wet toilet seat.

Vacuum Cleaners: proof that god loves for things to be sucked clean.

Pubic Hair: Gods organic dental floss

Unprotected Wifi: proof that god approves of stealing internet, to view pornography.

Massage Parlors: proof that god loves happy endings.

Unlimited Minutes Phone Plans: proof that god loves phone sex.

Camera Phones: Proof that god loves titi pictures

BabyWipes: Proof that god approves of masturbating at work

I was writing a "tornados: proof that god sucks sometimes" when I heard something hit the window. I get it big guy, you rock.

V-Necks: proof that god loves cleavage.

Jenga: proof that god approves of everyone playing with wood.

Hemroids: Gods way of telling you to get off your ass.

Alcohol: proof that god approves of semi-consentual sex.

Morning After pill: proof that god is against pulling out.

Proof that satan is mexican: You're going to Hell (yea - its a silent H)

Single Ply Toilet Paper: Proof that god approves of sodomy.

Kidney Stones: Gods way of telling you to kick rocks.

Free lunch at stripclubs: Proof that god loves cajun shrimp and big boobs

Humidity: Proof that god loves musky privates.

Chinese People: Proof that god hates cats

I'm A McFurry

When was the last time you woke up questioning yourself? Well, both my appetite for food, and possibly furry-on-male action came into question just a few short hours ago. Let me walk you through this:

I just had a daydream in which...in normal afternoon fashion I was sitting on my couch when all of a sudden I heard a Jehovahs Witness type-knock on my door. I slowly detached myself from the couch and looked through the peephole. It was blocked by a seeminly purple haze. When I opened the door I was amazed to find our nations fearless leader Barack Obama and McDonald's anthropomorphic purple-being Grimace anxiously awaiting with a gigantic Happy meal in hand, chanting "burger bail out time baby!"

I can tell you one thing; it was kind of a weird situation at first. You see... I sleep in the nude, so when I opened the door MY nuggets were completely exposed. Barack totally played it cool, however I did catch Grimace staring at my junk more than once. I understand hes giant burger eating eunuch and probably does not run into giant testicles in his field of work.

so yea, back to the story...there I was, with my nuggets out. Grimace doing a C&C Music Factory like happy dance, while Obama kept repeatedly asking me if i had a lufa available. I'm really not sure why, also didn't probe further about it.

I ended up waking up semi spooning my pillow. This is where the questioning myself part comes into play. I am not sure if that was Grimace or Obama I was spooning prior to waking up. #HETEROFAIL

furthermore, if I spooned Grimace in my dream? does that imply I love burgers? or does that somehow make me a furry? At this point I think a little bit of both.

you can thank @Carin_J for coining the term "McFurry" in relation to my...situation.

fuck...my...life

whats that smell?

So, last week I decide to leave work early and enjoy the rest of the afternoon. I take a short 60 second drive down to the beach (its about 5 minutes walking - but alas I am lazy, and enjoy air conditioning) When I get to the beach I end up pulling up to my favorite pseudo-bar, Fat Tuesday. Tradition dictates I order wings, and raw oysters. Also, they have this drink called 190 octane, its like a frozen fruit drink soaked in bacardi 151 and some other choice liquors. Yea! that drink is "the tits". I get reasonably hammered, not enough to call a cab, but just enough to ignore extremely noticable things (ultimately the reason behind this blog)

So I end up driving home, this turned out to be a rather long drive. You see, I wasnt exactly sober, so my normal 10 minute commute ended up being about an hour, give or take a minute. Yes, I know not very responsible, but fuck you, its not like you offered to drive me back to my poon-layer. Anyhow, many hours later after I awakened from a power nap I decide "hmm some cheetos would be fucking awesome right now!". I hop in my car, when all of a sudden...like a kangaroo kicking an aboriganee in the chest...i was hit by this awful pungent musky stench. One of those smells that would make the mosquitos in those "feed the hungry" infomercials fly away grasping for oxygen. Yea, effin awesome.

This was actually the high point of the evening, it gradually got worse. You see my "where in the world is carmen san diego" inspector skills kicked in. I NEEDED to find the source of this stench. I start to do a little cosmetic-digging in the layers of filth in my car. (sidenote: its usually clean, but you see, i've been a slob this past week, also, i was drunk, f u, dont judge me) Okay, so here I go. Fingering through the rubble...my finger touches something smooth, gooey, and uhm wet. Now usually I would be turned on by that, but this wasn't your normal "smooth gooey wetness" it was attached to a shell. Yea - a fucking oyster shell. I need you to sit there, and think about an oyster shell being in my car for an undisclosed amount of time, under the florida sun. RIGHT? fucking gross!

If you havent been in my immediate circle of friends, you may not be aware of the random literal-shit that occurs in my car. Let me fill you in: feces, urine, dying animals, rotten burritos, and countless regurgitation have occured there. Its not on purpose, but it kinda just happens. Basically funk in my car, is just a normal occurence. At some point my a/c was not functional, this added a certain je ne ces pas to my cars already sterling reputation as "the funk box".

Back to the Oyster, so here I am holding this boiling-hot half-eaten shell of funk. I then remember how it ended up in my car in the first place. I had pick-pocketed a bottle of hot sauce from Fat Tuesdays, because I wanted to eat raw oysters while my feet lingered in the beach water. That never happened by the way - In the end I just stole hotsauce for no apparent reason, and had 4 raw oysters baking in my backseat. I quickly discard them by chucking it out of my window as hard as possibly could. I manage to scrub everywhere the oyster touched, and soak the carpet in potpourri goodness. Happy to report that my car now smells like petunias. While cleaning I found about $8 dollars in change, tickets to xmen:wolverine, a stewie doll, and visine. All in all, a good day.

Oh yea, that shell, definitely landed inside the truckbed of my neighbors. The douchebag who likes to blast NIN in the morning. yea, go fuck that like an animal. #oysterwin #truckbedfail

Lesbian handjob

This is something I "tweeted" thought it would make an interesting addition, enjoy it 140 (or less) characters at a time:


PSA: if u have a lesbian friend, and she offers u a handjob to "try it out". say no, dont ask why. just ... say no.

I didnt want to share the lesbian handjob story but @hypnotized805 insists.

The first thing I must share is..this isnt ur run of the mill femme-lesbian. 5'7, 170-180lbs.

One of those chicks you invite over to watch baseball, and she knows the pitching coaches name for the opposing team.

ok, enough about her, more about me, and my life-long regret

Ofcourse any "i got a handjob from a lesbian chick" story starts with liquor, it wasnt sexy, it was ol english beer and jager

IIm telling her a story of a PREVIOUS handjob by some chick who looked like ms piggy, with wider nostrils. we'll call her "porki-ex" for now

So, she laughs, and makes an "ive seen i done, i wana try" comment. if it was anyone else.. the pants would had flown off. but NO.

i try to sneek the "ill hook u up with my boy" line in there, and immediately changed the topic back to something neutral, gatorade flavors

well fuck it, ill skip the light groping stories while listening to G-depp.

so here i am, denim shorts around the ankles, listening to diddy remixes, with this chick who could have played strong safety stroking me

and outside of the obvious..i was NOT having a good time. no rhythm to it..she had manly hands, and they were dry. so schaffin was in place

so she has the vice grip on it, and decides to take up a notch by doing the "finger nail on the shaft" thing............

and ladies i need you to pay attention to this. fingernails = not pleasant. stop it. i didnt expect her to know this, shes a dude wit a vag.

so i tried to make her aware, but all that came out was a drunken squeel, something like "i hate u, stop it, get off me"

she insisted on not stopping, something about "i want it to be a happy ending" so i take over, and by take over i mean.. im standing over

so there i am, standing over her, balls on forehead, stroking to "take that take that"..and the only thing that came to mind was. why me

so, mid-stroke i stopped, pulled pants back up, and said thanks a lot for a great time. that day..i picked up smoking cigarettes

to this day, when i see her. our informal greeting is a fist bump followed by an around the world snap, and 2 strokes.

im done, i need a cigarette. thx.

What's in a good hook?

My father, bless his heart, was a smoker from the age of 14, up until he was 75 years old. We always had humor in common, so for his 75th birthday I signed him up for an anti smoking seminar in West Palm Beach, FL. The seminar began this way ” Smoking helps you lose weight ! One lung at a time !” there was widespread laughter and the speaker was able to hold the attention inspite of it being a pre-lunch session.

Happy to share, after that seminar my father has not smoked a single cigarrete. He recently celebrated his 80th birthday in sunny Dominican Republic, the only smoke present was from the fireworks display.

public bathroom etiquette

Ah yes! The last friday of the month... what will catch my wrath? people that talk on their cell phones in a public bathroom? SURE...no let's add more to it... with their pants around their ankles. on the crapper. SERIOUSLY. I was taking a leak in the restaurant, and i heard a muffled voice to my right. Mind you, per bathroom ettiquette, i made no investigation if the crappers where occupied. all I had to do was piss, and there was an open urinal, so anything that went on in a sit down area was none of my business...thusly, i was unaware that someone occupied the stall right next to the urinal i occupied. ..word back to the muffled voices. i assume that the guy has taken off his headphones or has them really loud so i am just catching that. i finish my business, shake no more than three times, and go wash my hands, OCD style. so word after i turn off the water and reach for the towel... i hear dude in stall talking, and realize whats going on. he is taking a shit and talking on the phone. PAUSE...first off, taking a shit is a private time and should not be disturbed under any circumstances. it is a time of personal reflection. i have solved pretty much every dilemma in my life in the fortress of solitude that is taking a dump. secondly, if one is forced to take a dump in a public bathroom, there is no way that any contact with the outside world should be made, save a grunt to ward off any turdburglars try to break into your stall - which has happened to me on occassion.(yet another story for another time)

so word.. this guy broke all international taking a dump treaties. he flaunted this by talking on his phone... and having the volume on his phone so loud that i could hear it while I took a piss SEVERAL feet away. and what of whoever he was talking to? If i could hear what they were saying, could they here the plop of his work? could they here my manly steady stream? NOT COOL... why would you continue talking to someone who was at work in the bathroom? i certainly would want nothing to do with that. at all. I would rather talk to someone in the throws of sex (a la Paris Hilton, who evidently answers her phone mid coitus…i mean uh.. thats what i hear, cus uh i have never seen her video. or any porn at all. ever.... today).

maybe cellphones and cordless phones have gone too far. if you called someone 20 years ago, there is no way you would have to concern yourself with the potential of talking to them with there trousers around there ankles while they squeeze out the carne asada burrito they ate 20 minutes ago...word ..because no jackass would put a phone in their bathroom. except that jackass in the Bond movie. but he was evil. really evil.
the lesson here? PLEASE DONT TALK TO PEOPLE WHILE ANYTHING IS EXCRETING ITSELF FROM ANY ORIFICE.

its just common courtesy. word.

breakups are tough

Dear Hand,

I wanted to tell you in person, but I wanted to avoid a potentially hostile scene. First off let me say the years we have had together have been wonderful. I feel like it has been a mutually satisfactory relationship that we have had. I know over the years I have occasionally stepped out on you, but I have always come back to you. It pains me to say it, but we have always open with one another. I just want to let you know that I can no longer be exclusive with you. It is not you, it is ME. I am not in a place in my life where I can be committed to just one person, or hand. I need to experience what life has to offer, be it be our longstanding relationship or a new relationship with an actual girl.

Hopefully we can maintain our friendship, and at mutually acceptable times, maybe have some benefits.



All the best,

waK the midger hunter

and another thing...

seriously...nowadays i go through my day and end up infuriated.. fuming.. seething and LIVID at the sheer vast numbers of imbeciles who think that resorting to profanity, obscenities and scatology is the only way to communicate their own indignation. word

trust me when i say...i have nothing against "bad language" in moderation. I use it, and there's nothing better when you whack your thumb with a hammer.. for instance. several long-winded descriptions of various sexual and filthy perversions are just the thing to distract you from that tooth-loosening bolt of pain..word ..but when morons resort to using these same terms to convey awe, amazement, approval or petty peevishness, it really gets "my goat by the throat".

..so yea.. heres an idea for all you foul-mouthed ranters out there, including the ones on myspace who think that profanity AND NOTHING ELSE will convey their fury and rage. why dont you try writing a rant WITHOUT those terms for once? word...for instance, you often resort to calling an ex or your boss by a term alluding to illicit parentage. uh...well, ive got news for you idiots: thats not even a pejorative any more! uh actually..i know several celebrities born illegitimately. so what? why does it mean anything horrible? why dont you get creative, and refer to said offender as the underbelly of a scum-sucking creature slithing through muck in the foulest, most fetid swamp in the loathsome jungles of Venus, for example? much more entertaining to read, and it gets the point across just as well. matter fact...better. its more likely to get my vote because its actually ORIGINAL. you who resort to profanity and obscenity exclusively havent an original bone in your whole entire maggot-eaten putrid-smelling carcass.

really the best insults ive ever read have usually been free of "those" words. theres a scene in The Shining where a character cuts someone off in traffic because hes having a psychic vision. ..so then the other driver invites him to perform an illegal sex act on himself, to engage in congress with various rodents and birds.. and believes that he met the drivers mother in a New Orleans house of prostitution. now THATS a lot funnier than simply saying those tiresome words which we've all heard a gazillion times before.

word...so that means clean up your mouths, people! or perhaps I should make it clearer for all you who still dont get it: Take your cocksucking, motherfucking, shitty dick sucking bitching and shove every last filthy polysyllable right up your ass with the rest of your crap...WORD

say hell yea to the upperdecker

so word.. apparently there was some sort of reference to an "upper decker" in some reality show... I didnt know what it was so I looked it up. so word...eere is the definition I found:

1. upper decker

The act of defecating in the upper tank of the toilet. When the next poor unsuspecting person flushes the toilet they get a bowl of beef stew. the upper decker is a weapon of terror and should only be used on people who deserve it.

word.. so what that translates to in my ubber-evil mind? dont spite me. i now know of a vengeance method the likes of which hasnt been seen.

MUHAHAHAHAHHA


ok..thats all for now ;P

30 things to do before u turn 30

NOTE: these are random and in no particular order... so bare...with....me!
1. get laid. no...seriously. dont go AC Green and wait till you are 40. GO Get freaking laid; NOW! ..but wear a rubber dude.
2. get drunk. a lot. word...no explanation necessary.
3.avoid responsibility like the plague. as far as you should be concerned it is. cause seriously...nothing good comes from responsibility, other than work...and no one likes work. NO ONE. Anyone who says they like work is lying.
4.travel to Europe. this is really just furthering the first three. but there is the added benefit of many good picture opportunities, the bullshit you can tell people who claim to be responsible that you are culturing yourself (which is the biggest load of shit, you go to europe for the food, booze, and women/men depending on how you swing), and the stamps on your passport...word
5. CLIMB something. I was going to climb Mount Rainier, but it turns out that is like 14,000 feet high. so NOPE... yea..i settled for el pico duarte - true story. which is about 9000. it seemed more realistic. but uh..feel free to be more ambitious, but if you attempt to climb any mountain where you need oxygen, you are an idiot.
6. hang out with a midget...again no explanation needed
7. stage a violent regime overthrow in a small country. liechtenstein was pretty easy to take over. it got boring after a while..also...no hotpockets there.. so I left...but i might suggest maybe myanmar? word...
8. make fun of France and Canada whenever possible. you dont even need a reason...and it NEVER gets old...ever
9. take pictures of yourself jump kicking or jump high fiving...ha...word.. get in on the new thing before it becomes played out and "french" (see how easy 8 is?).
10. spend an entire day on your couch. this takes serious planning. Key Items to remember: get small fridge and place near couch to keep your potations fresh, fresh batteries in your remote, strict bathroom rules to avoid cheating, and the key is being the laziest person alive. 11. punch a bum...and yes this might seem harsh, but its on the list, so go do it now! and if you already have, go do it again.
12. apologize to above bum. WHY? well... there is a good chance he is crazy, and he doesnt have anything to lose. but he will probably appreciate the human interaction. QUE SWEET!
13. Go to college. once again this is another good way to further the first 3 points.
14. write a book. It will probably suck and not get published, because you are likely an idiot and have nothing interesting to say, but at least you can say you are shopping your novel... this may or may not get you laid once, which would make it worthwhile. (you might even be able to use this for 1)
15. I am really running out of stuff at this point. so eat a hamburger or something...a BIG one
16. Invade Canada. How hard could it be?
17. while youre at it...Invade France. if you encounter any problems, tell them you are german and they will run for the hills. (by the way, if you are french and reading this, as far as you know i am german - from the eastside).
18. get drunk at the beach, toss the football around with your friends, overthrow someone horribly and nail a small child in the back. i achieved good results with this move. -major karma points
19. if ever confronted with an opportunity to administer a "dutch oven", do not hesitate. if youre not 100% sure what this is...google? m'kay thanks?
20. read BOOKS. It will make you less stupid. you will still be stupid, but marginally less so, which may help you get laid.
21. mastermind the robbery of a french bank. If caught, tell them you are german... at this point you ask yourself whats my beef with the french? nobody likes freedom fries! FGWB!
22. burn down a gym. it will be doing everyone a favor. damn those healthy people to hell!
23. move to the beach and become a burn out. ok...no..actually, no, dont do that. there are already enough beach jerks. on second thought, instead buy a farm and dont bother me... one that grows something edible, and delicious! buy a hotpocket farm, yes, edib-licious!
24.get a crappy arm band tatoo. that way I will know you are an idiot.
25.attend atleast one major sporting event..superbowl? the olympics? maybe world cup?
26. recently added to my list... "skydive". PAUSE.. one major lil shitkick to this request is that you must be under 240 in order to do so - maybe not so much in MY immidiate future?
27. brew your own beer. this is actually a pretty easy task,and "fulfilling" nothing better than drinkin your own brand
28. be a member of a tv audience show. preferably a talk show with flying chairs, or people that get light on fire. must do, must must must, do.
29. plant a tree! heal the world, make it a better place, for you, and for me, and for the entire human race, there are..........people ..oh my god.. get it out of my head. HELP ME HELP MEHELPMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
30.. don't die. cause... really..probably the most important thing to do before you are 30. trust me.

dickheads guide on how to pick up women

so word....after many "how do you do it champ?"

here is the ironclad way of picking up women:

1. find drunk girl. (preferrably light drool/throw up visibly on her)

2. stand near her and look tall. (this requires attention to detail - if she is standing sideways, you must also stand sideways to add to the tall "illusion")

3. wait until she comes up and tells you that you are hot. (depending on how drunk she is...other wonderful adjetives might be used)

4. go from there. (skeet skeet)

(note: this doesnt actually work unless you are both tall and good looking...also the girl is really drunk and very forward).

HOW TO THURSDAYS: how to get someone to stop talking to you

so word...everyone has been in this situation. you inadvertantly.. possibly through your mere presence.. triggered a conversation you want no part of. for example.. i was throwing some internet time many moons ago and my mom entered my room.. started giving me the lowdown on her whole day and asking about mine...so word...usually i know better. but i foolishly opened the door by expanding on my day. ROOKIE mistake number 1. before I knew it my moms was telling me about some parent of some kid that may or may not have been in my sisters class in high school (remember... this was more than 10 years ago) whose husband might have died. not a fun convo. here is a guide to avoid these conversations:

1. wear headphones all the time....word... this is KEY...every waking moment. sleeping. eating. showering (may need waterproof ones). boning chicks. ALWAYS. doesnt even matter if you have the headphones connected to any sort of audio device. its about the statement to the world... "I don't want to listen to what you have to say...wrd additionally.. i dont care about what you have to say... and finally... what you have to say is most likely mindlessly stupid so save everyone the effort of fake listening to you."

2. Go "costanza" and look angry and exasperated all the time. people will think you are busy...and will leave you alone.. but since you are reading this blog... this clearly is a fabrication...wrd...so no matter. most people are dumb. if someone approaches... sigh audibly and get a pained expression on your face (just imagine you just found out your best friend was a bandwagon Patriots fan).

3. If forced to actually communicate.. keep it simple. never more than 3 words at a time. another good play is to act like you have tourrettes syndrome and cuss at inappropriate times.

4. Never look the person trying to talk you in the face... it will convey to them that as far you are concerned they dont exist.

5. If none of this works... this calls for drastic measures. throat punches...japanese slaps... contract killers.. do whatever it takes!

------------<^>--------------

footnote: if you've noticed me practicing any of the above conversation avoidance techniques on you...you talk too much. STOP. thanks.

how to sundays: remove my nuts from ur mouth

i wanted to share how to to perform the heimlich maneuver for all of those who like to "ride my jock" ; perhaps there might be hope for you yet!

Step 1:
Ask the choking person to stand if he or she is sitting.

Step 2:
Place yourself slightly behind the standing victim.

Step 3:
Reassure the victim that you know the Heimlich maneuver and are going to help.

Step 4:
Place your arms around the victim’s waist.

Step 5:
Make a fist with one hand and place your thumb toward the victim, just above his or her belly button.

Step 6:
Grab your fist with your other hand.

Step 7:
Deliver five upward squeeze-thrusts into the abdomen.

Step 8:
Make each squeeze-thrust strong enough to dislodge a foreign body.

Step 9:
Understand that your thrusts make the diaphragm move air out of the victim’s lungs, creating a kind of artificial cough.

Step 10:
Keep a firm grip on the victim, since he or she can lose consciousness and fall to the ground if the Heimlich maneuver is not effective.

Step 11:
Repeat the Heimlich maneuver until my testicles are expelled from their mouth.




--footnote--

-If the hater is coughing strongly or able to talk, let the person try to expel my testes using his or her own efforts.

-If the choking victim displays a weak or ineffective cough, this indicates that air exchange is minimal and that you should start the Heimlich maneuver.

-Teach your family the universal choking sign--clutching the throat. Encourage everyone you know to become familiar with this sign and use it when choking on my testes.

-To avoid breaking bones, never place your hands on the victim’s breastbone or lower rib cage when performing the Heimlich maneuver.

-If choking persists, call 911 immediately. This information is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice or treatment.

editor’s note:

Thanks to ehow.com for the step-by-step on how to perform the heimlich.

hard job to pull off

so word...for some reason i always seem to end up dating girls with some sort of self-issues... because of this...getting beyond third base is an even bigger leap than usually.

...we had gone to bed like so many times before and were doing the "mutual masturbation" thing... unfortunately it wasnt quite mutual. ..by that i meam... i was doing it fairly right from the sound of it... but her idea of masturbating me was still pretty much grabbing my private parts more than firmly enough and jerking them as if she were trying to pull them loose. it hurt. A LOT.

she had self-issues and i tried my best to not fuel them... but i had to stop her...not for me, but the safety and health of my "junk"...it was simply not enjoyable in even the most remote sense. ofcourse she burst into tears over it, and what started as a steamy evening ended with me trying to awkwardly comfort a girl who was absolutely convinced she was a complete failure as a woman.

fuck you sex and the city for giving her that idea.



wrd

(editor’s note: my manmeat is a-okay now, thanks)

how to mondays: make the first call

this how to stems from that awkward first call (editors note: just made one).

i may be the only one that needs this "how to"... but maybe there are others that are as inept as i am making that first call...so this tutorial was created for all those who might need that EXTRA encouragement..word

so here is the scenario: you meet a girl (or guy, depending on stance on penis). you get the number. GREAT! now... 3 days later (thanks SWINGERS for sortin that one out) and you have to make the call.

this call is key... because most likely you got the number will intoxicated, and she most definitely was intoxicated if she gave your ass her phone number... so in this call you HAVE to impress upon this girl that you are charming, clever and possibly good looking (while obfuscating the fact that you are neither charming, clever or even slightly attractive).

so these calls turn out one of three ways:

1. Most likely she gave you a fake number. the only thing one needs to know on this is how to deal with it. i recommend either one of two things...heavy dosages of alcohol or a sturdy well tied-noose.

2. You go to voicemail. this will be because she wont recognize your number and/or is screening your number. ...now the voicemail message give you 30 seconds to be witty, tell her who you are, and so on. the problem is, 30 seconds isnt really enough time to convince her that you are witty or charming, but it is ample time to convince her you are a complete fucking moron...word... which you most likely are.(learn to cope with it) i hate to give advice that stems from George Costanza... but.. "you need to have a gameplan going in". TRUST ME... you are not clever enough to just wing it. it will inevitably end in embarrassment..important things to note... in your voicemail you should indentify yourself, preferrably in witty fashion. or as witty as you can come up with. which probably wont be very witty. i usually rely on my abnormally large penis as an identifier, but whatever works for you. additionally, you should mention that you are busy, but you could probably work them into your schedule. the girl will equate busy with you are interesting and potentially make heaps of money....i understand chicks dig that.

3. The girl actually answers...PAUSE...you are screwed. get ready for horrificly awkward pauses... contrived unfunny humor... and shame. once again you should have a gameplan. and always keep it short. the longer you are on the phone, the sooner this girl is going to realize that you are a tool and want to move on and find someone better looking than you who makes more money than you.

anyways, despite all my help, you are still probably screwed and will be faced with at best an "awkward conversation". Good luck with that.

--editors note--

damn you cheap liquor at calle ocho, damn you to hell... who the hell was that chick i just called? UGH!

what are you REALLY trying to say?

I’ve been accused in the past of being an outlandish flirt, might even go as far as saying a pick-up artist; in part because the idea of one night stands was "ordinary" to me...and of particular interest, and second (which might really be the reason for that first part), because I’ve managed to hook up with numerous women I either barely knew, or had no intent of getting to know past that moment in time.

That is customary of dominant dominican males; I’ve come to grips with it. Really I have. I understand that certain characteristics of my pseudo-persona I have little control over. For instance, I am able to have an incredible conversation with a complete stranger, and keep their attention for however long I may need to get their not-often present underwear around their ankles. Now, take me out of MY comfort zone of "getting in your pants" and challenge me to have a non-sexual conversation, with someone I am physically attracted to, and I am somewhat in a disadvantage.

Don’t get me wrong, by no means does this make me a socially inept person. I speak with great conviction and can be rather persuasive and conservant when speaking on any given topic. This is true mostly when that certain level of sexual magnetism and allurement is not present with whomever I am exchanging witty banter with.

That being said, I guess I’m not so great at picking up signals from girls who might actually be interested in something other than sex. And by signals, I mean blatant offers… Case in point:

It was an evening of firsts. First time I use my new laptop, first time visiting stickam (a friend linked me previously and encouraged me to sign up) first time using my webcam to speak with complete strangers, first time i met her.

She seemed great on paper: feminine, smart, sincere smile, long legs, beautiful by any standard. But from the moment she said hello, I could tell there was something not quite right about her. While browsing her online profile one night, I wondered how does a beautiful woman like this get to be 23 and single? I soon found out.

She was awkward, self-conscious, uncomfortable in her own skin. Mind you...she was incredibly beautiful, just like her pictures, but everything she said seemed forced, as if she’d just read a manual on how women are supposed to behave. She laughed just a beat too late when something funny happened, and then she laughed too loud, like someone who didn’t get the joke but was eater to prove how funny she thought it was all the same.

We talked for a couple weeks, and the more we talked, the more interested I became. She did however agree with me way too much. A pet peeve of mine, I chose to overlook this small, trivial detail. She ran at the mouth on certain topics (music and recreational drug use), but was suspiciously evasive on others particularly her dating past.

Word... Here I am, incredibly sexually, and non-sexually attracted to a woman I knew vaguely from the internet. By "know," I mean that I knew her name. She knew mine, and we’d exchanged the occasional LOL’s and witty conversational banter. That’s about it.

So we get to know one another a little better, and we share details of one anothers past lives. And at some part of the conversation I juggle with the thought of whether or not to divulge my non-sexual attraction to her. Mind you, the sexual attraction IS blatantly there, however my primary fascination unbeknown to her is due mainly to her charm, and sense of humor.

Now, like I said, not so much with the picking up on (blatant) signals.

So in a confident voice, I tell her, "im feeling emo, i’ll talk to you later." She of course questions the reason behind my sudden change of tone and direction. I respond, by simply not responding. I remain inaudable, my unspoken affection will stay just that... unspoken.

Something tells me this might be my last conversation with her.





Talib said it best..."USED TO HAVE A COMPLEX ABOUT BEING TOO COMPLEX" ...word

never EVER click my links

word...
enjoy:

...use this as your guide, a lesson to all!

NEVER CLICK ON MY LINKS

enjoy:




i hunt waK (12:59:41 AM): whats good
juni (12:59:45 AM): chillin u
i hunt waK (1:00:00 AM): chill
i hunt waK (12:34:12 PM):
juni (12:40:08 PM): couple?
i hunt waK (12:40:12 PM): yea
juni (12:40:14 PM): or just a chick?
i hunt waK (12:40:17 PM): couple
juni (12:40:19 PM): they bout to fuck?
i hunt waK (12:40:21 PM): yea.
juni (12:40:23 PM): or they did?
i hunt waK (12:40:38 PM): bout to
i hunt waK (12:40:40 PM): nigga
i hunt waK (12:40:41 PM): wtf
i hunt waK (12:40:42 PM): click
i hunt waK (12:40:43 PM): rofl
juni (12:40:53 PM): nice
juni (12:41:00 PM): im watchin
juni (12:41:04 PM): but i seen niggas sayin
i hunt waK (12:41:07 PM): wrd.
juni (12:41:09 PM): ’ put cock in ’
i hunt waK (12:41:11 PM): rofl
i hunt waK (12:41:14 PM): x;
juni (12:41:15 PM): but i aint see no one but her
juni (12:41:34 PM): whoa
juni (12:41:37 PM): 2 bitches??
i hunt waK (12:41:41 PM): yea.
i hunt waK (12:41:45 PM): well
juni (12:41:52 PM): lesbians?
juni (12:42:03 PM): wooo
juni (12:42:06 PM): nice shit
juni (12:42:09 PM): ^5
juni (12:42:10 PM): damn
juni (12:42:23 PM): u didnt share this site w/ anyone did u?
i hunt waK (12:42:34 PM): lol na.
i hunt waK (12:42:36 PM): well
i hunt waK (12:42:37 PM): reina
i hunt waK (12:42:38 PM): lol
juni (12:42:48 PM): well no niggas
juni (12:42:58 PM): you made a acct on here?
i hunt waK (12:43:01 PM): yea
i hunt waK (12:43:02 PM): waK
juni (12:43:06 PM): lol
juni (12:43:10 PM): i dont think u can add ppl tho
i hunt waK (12:43:23 PM): lol nah
juni (12:43:38 PM): i wonder if reina accpeted
juni (12:43:45 PM): my add on myspace
i hunt waK (12:43:50 PM): lol i dono
i hunt waK (12:43:54 PM): check?
i hunt waK (12:44:29 PM): theure in miami
juni (12:44:30 PM): after this
i hunt waK (12:44:31 PM): calle ocho
juni (12:44:32 PM): this good shit
juni (12:44:37 PM): you lyin
i hunt waK (12:44:40 PM): nah
juni (12:44:41 PM): damn man
i hunt waK (12:44:43 PM): calle ocho
juni (12:44:45 PM): i wish they had aims
juni (12:44:48 PM): or msns
juni (12:44:55 PM): or atleast something
juni (12:44:59 PM): so u can message dem
juni (12:45:03 PM): i’d be on here all day if so
juni (12:45:11 PM): this is like watchin porn
juni (12:45:15 PM): df
juni (12:45:20 PM): they not about to do shit
i hunt waK (12:45:33 PM): ROFL
juni (12:45:49 PM): you see the porn bitch is hot
juni (12:45:51 PM): wanna fuck her
juni (12:45:55 PM): but dont know shit bout her
juni (12:46:04 PM): or will never talk or meet the bitch
i hunt waK (12:46:32 PM): 4 tits!
juni (12:46:42 PM): saggy ones too
juni (12:46:52 PM): now they better get down
juni (12:47:21 PM): they got body tho damn
juni (12:47:47 PM): i’ma fuck a girl on this shit
juni (12:47:53 PM): have a girl come over
i hunt waK (12:47:58 PM): word.
juni (12:47:58 PM): hit it on cam thru here
juni (12:48:02 PM): or get head
i hunt waK (12:49:28 PM): bitch got some big ass lips
i hunt waK (12:49:31 PM): u see them on the side?
i hunt waK (12:54:00 PM): i think she just peed on herself
i hunt waK (12:56:42 PM): x;
i hunt waK (12:57:18 PM): ...?
juni (12:57:23 PM): WDFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
juni (12:57:26 PM): NIGGA
i hunt waK (12:57:28 PM): owned.
juni (12:57:40 PM): <^>
i hunt waK (12:57:42 PM): LOL
i hunt waK (12:57:53 PM): ROFL
i hunt waK (12:58:01 PM): NAME: SUXXXY AGE: 25 GENDER: Shemale HEIGHT: 5’ 10" ( 178 cm )
i hunt waK (12:58:06 PM): u gotta read!
juni (12:58:16 PM): thiss nigga
i hunt waK (12:58:18 PM): rofl
juni (12:58:18 PM): smh
juni (12:58:45 PM): ruined my day
i hunt waK (12:58:51 PM): rofl. 5^
^

i cum marshmellows

Of all the places in the world to get hit on by an old lady...

Alright, so here I am in the Publix Deli-Meat section shopping for random sandwich goodies. As I am making mental notes of all of the borderline humorous advertising (SOFTEST MEAT YOU EVER PUT IN YOUR MOUTH- classic) This 60+ year old lady is asking me what kind of "meat" she should try today... ofcourse I HAVE to comment. Unfortunate for the world (self included) I don’t pocess that "self control" gene, I really can’t stop myself and i blurt out without hesitation "the dominican sausage is good on any day"

::fast forward awkward sexual-small talk::

This is where it gets weird... She says with a GIANT grin on her face:

"You look like you cum marshmellows"

We did not trade phone numbers, we did however exchange "shopping hours"...

the end for now.







-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

editors note: 40 years ago, she was more than likely obscenely hot.

in the other hand, i wasn’t born yet.

observations from a pirate party

1. First things first: Wenches are awesome.
2. Surprisingly, having a faux parrot wired and duct-taped to your shoulder is not particularly comfy. Who knew, really?
3. Eh...Is there anything worse than a mis-tapped keg, leads to foamy pours for the rest of the keg? Isnt there an unwritten rule that if you dont know how to properly tap a keg you let someone who can do it? This is for the benefit of all. (thou shall not waste beer)
4. Guys can always talk sports to each other. Under ANY circumstances. What is the equivalent of this phenomenon for girls? These are things I would like to know.
5. Dissappointed that there were no Bobby Wommack sitings at this party.



FYI:

I believe the next scheduled theme party is a Kid-N-Play Pajama Jammy Jam. Oh yes, I know you wish you'd thought of it first. I shall keep you posted. =)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

editors note: pictures coming soon ;x

random thought

So while enduring 2 hours of back-to-back video conference calls at work yesterday, someone in front of me was looking at pictures of animals, and this thought came to my head:


Giraffes must be really susceptible to choke holds. word.

lesson learned - dont click my links

ROFL

I absolutely meant it; do not click my links.

lesson two:

waK : yo
waK : i found a dope btich in ga
waK : video of
waK : how to swallow ur man
waK : rofl
j a x x : wow
waK : suckin on a ice cream thing
waK : owns
waK : on myspace
waK : this is nuts
waK : http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&VideoID=30671311j a x x: prof head hos
j a x x: i think imma start fucking fat chicks
j a x x: they cause alot less problems
waK : lol.
j a x x: i hope she uses her hands on my dick not her hair
j a x x: and i hope she dont make those inet ho faces
waK : rofl.
j a x x: WAIT A MINIUTE
j a x x: THATS A FUCKING DUDE
waK : rofl!
waK : dsjndsv
j a x x: i fucking hate you yo
waK : rofl 5^
j a x x: son
j a x x: i can always tell
waK : rofl
waK : 5^
j a x x: cus my dick dont get hard when it should
j a x x: im like..uhm...the fuck..wait..gaydar going off...cock losing blood pressuure TRANNY ALERT TRANNY ALERT
j a x x: man i wonder about you
j a x x: you find shemales and trannys wayyy too often
j a x x: how do i stop u from linking me to shemales
j a x x: i put u on a donot link list?
waK : just ask.
j a x x: thats not something u ask of people
j a x x : so hey franky can u not link me to shemales i like tits even yours
j a x x: no..thats wrong
j a x x: www.fuckashemale.orgwaK : rofl
waK : i wont do it again.
j a x x: your lying man
j a x x: you lyin like a fat bitch in a chatroom sayin she thick
waK : jaxx.
waK : you have been blogged.
j a x x: is that like punishment or a reward
j a x x: =..
i hunt waK: lol could be both
i hunt waK: its a warning to alll
j a x x: lol
j a x x: i dont know nobody who reads your blogs anyway
j a x x: i dont think
i hunt waK: beware of the link
i hunt waK: ;[
i hunt waK: plenty do.
j a x x: because you have a shemale obsession?
j a x x: no
j a x x: I DONT KNOW anyone
i hunt waK: ur just trying to hurt my feelings now
j a x x: your hurt feelings is lesser than my hurt sexual ego which gets punished everytime you shemale link me
i hunt waK: lol
j a x x: and you been gettin slick too
j a x x: where you kinda dont link to shemales for a while
j a x x: then BOOM


MUWHAHAHAHAHA. :rubs hands quickly:

fuck work

I must figure out a way to combine the disposable income and financial security that stems from employment with the leisure time that comes with unemployment.

There has to be a way; I will find it and exploit it.

more to come.

NY road trip recap

At first this will all appear like a bunch of mushed together random thoughts...and this is true, because for the most part it is.

1. Catchphrase of the drive - DEAD DEER - noun. Any of numerous slender-legged ruminant mammals deprived of life. (e.g: Yo that was like the 18th dead dear, WTF is going on?)

2. Thanks to Travis bka BIG BLACK aka DASH aka WarMachine our 5 hour journey somehow turns into an 11 hour clusterfuck. Mind you... we are using a GPS device (fyi tomtom rocks) He chooses the toll-less roads, even tho there are no tolls to be paid during memorial day weekend, and we end up taking the scenic route from pa...to ALBANY... to get to manhattan. :pause: Yea. thats what I said.

3. Arrive around 9:30pm, we meet ammiel, our trustworthy-do-well tour guide. Also he is Parm-e-Sean's jamaica queens cousin. We drop off our shit at Parm's cousin's house in queens... link up with ammiel and head off to the city. Easy enough, we see the big city, big lights. We end up in a strip club called Lace, or some variation of that word. It's cool, because a) its a strip club, and b) its in timesquare. During the usual stripsearch at the front gate, I manage to befriend the frontdoor bouncer, who allegedly happens to also be from FL...infact we went to the same school, same campus, and he allegedly knew "that big headed broad tu-lu". (another story, for another day) GOOD TIMES. Fast forward. Dash gets a lapdance from some random black broad compliments of Deez and Parm. He goes from DASH to BIGBLACK in .0005 seconds, he is already at Hurricane Charlie Category 3. Unfortunately I am too sober to take him up on this. We quickly become wary of this place mostly due to their 16 dollar tequila shots. Which incidentally were immediately purchased by the Dash and Parm.

4. On our way back to queens we see a gypsy claiming he can guess birth months and weight. He guesses the birth month of ammiel, but I out gypsy him when he tries to guess my weight. He guesses 320, which I weighed when I was 17. Ammiel continued to express his distaste for gypsies for the remainder of the weekend.

5. FLASHBACK prior to getting to NY...It is decided to go join some of our new co-workers and have a couple drinks at a local pool place. Parm and Deez play the game of their life in game 1 and somehow defeat myself and my new anglo-friend of the night "ED". It doesn't happen again. We are doing the praying mantis style on the pool table, and destroy all hope of winning. CELEBRATION, we have 8-to9 rounds of tequila shots. We manage to knock back 3 tequila bottles. Cabo Wabo, Patron Silver, and Patrol Gold. Soon Hurricane Charlie has been upgraded to a Category 5 hurricane. After several extremely belated dive attempts, taking off his shirt and some incoherent ramblings, my new friend ED immediately throws the LOUDEST puke i have ever heard. I seriously wasn't sure if it was a jet engine or Anglo-Ed puking. At least 100 decibels. Probably more. Unreal. He hurls chucks in the bathroom, and returns with vague coherence. We decide to go to a local strip club. It is rumored there are midget strippers there. This grabs my complete and total attention, we hed there. Alas, No midgets, dissapointment.

6. Mormons are REALLY fucking scary, thats all.

7. Saturday. Start the day feeling like hell. Continue feeling like hell. I wake up, with an entire leather couch up my ass, this does not feel comfortable. BigBlack actually meditated through out the night... Deez slept on the floor, at his foot side. Parm, was tucked away on a couch, and Ammiel was also on the floor. The Sunrise crew is dragging ass so we quickly regroup at dunkin donuts for a caffeine relapse moment. Parm-e-sean and Ammiel return from their morning adventures. Parm's catchphrase "I smell like boobs."

8. The following night we sleep somewhat less comfortable. We manage to hunt down a hotel...no motel.. no an INN.. somewhere in the "livier part" of queens. The room is literally the size of the interior of a small kia reo. The entire hotel staff look like porn stars, I suspect they actually are porn stars, since all the channels in the room are FREE porn. Also, Dash was quick to point out, it looked like it was filmed in the room we were staying in. good times.

9. BACKFAT! Did I mention that Dan and I decided to get massive margaritas that we then augmented with the remnants of Patron? I am not sober at this point. We make it back to Springhill and I am exhausted and think I am being a pussy because its only 10. It comes to my attention that is in fact 230. PA is the devil. We decide to head back to the strip. This part of the night has been heavily redacted by alcohol.

10. I forgot to mention our theory about Manhattan and Deez. The lights of NY to D are like the yellow sun of earth is to Superman. The corollary to this theory is that sobriety is his kryptonite.

11. Monday should be redacted. A terrible Pens loss, followed by a long drive home. Not awesome.

12. We went to chinatown. I locate the shiestiest chinese man I could find, and work a deal with him for a "gucci wallet"; he later also cons Deez into purchasing a purse for his mom. We ate at a chinese buffet for under 4 dollars, later to find out we may have possibly eaten a "large hawk". (sidenote: we were under the impression it was chicken)

13. At this point, I refuse to change the order of these random mental notes. We ate the most incredible NY pizza. It dripped kerosene. delicious.

14. Deez manages to get groped in EVERY single form of transportation available in nyc. First, Parm-e-Sean and Dash witness the ultimate ownership of Deez by fei long on the subway. Later, I notice deez being groped in the bus (picture somewhere). He later gets molested by Bob. GIGGITY GOO!

15. I smoked a dominican cigar in time square; there is nothing more to this. This was just a highlight for me. Thanks.

16. One last thing, and the ultimate highlight for me. I now own an IronMan hat! That rocks, really it does. If you don't share my level of enthusiasm about this particular hat, you suck.

end of blog

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

editor note:

I will add more, as I remember more

dinner and a movie OR stay home and beatoff?

This afternoon I was finally able to log into the internet using wi-fi provided by the luxurious marriot hotel. This past few days I've spent juggling between 12 hour work days, and lack of internet due to "server problems". This basically means, my only means of communication with the outside world from within the hotel would be the phone (at $.75 cents a minute). This ofcourse upsets me, and I must voice my numerous complaints with our most competent hotel staff at earliest convenience tomorrow. TY, story for yet another day.

REWIND, Earlier this week I managed to con one of the more attractive "young" new front-desk girls at the hotel to drive me and my work-peons to the other side of town for a quick bite; she of course gladly accepts, and escorts us to dinner(even tho this is looked down upon by mid-level management at the hotel) On the drive there, she shares way-too-much information about her yo-yo relationship with her possibly-cheating boyfriend. I chose not to capitalize on this cry for male attention. Instead I thank her for the drive there, and offer a rain-check on dinner, since she is unable to stay, and must immediately drive back to the hotel, to "tend to the front desk".

I did however managed to pick up on the fact that not only did I not act on this... But all of my co-workers who had the same equal opportunities also opted out...They could have ended up flirting with an attractive girl that we see around fairly regularly and flirt with fairly regularly. As per standard, we all awkwardly ended the conversation with out having the balls to ask her out. Why? I do not know. Really. I don't. I think like Roldy in Harold and Kumar we are all equally worthless, and have no value.

But as she drove away ... I took a glance back knowing of my serious shortcomings as a human being I realized that I have not asked a girl out (for a first date) sober. In over 5 years. Which in retrospect is like an eternity. Pretty shitty, eh? I know. I can't really count the "5 years" due to my on-again-off-again rollercoaster pseudo relationship with the belligerent ex. That is implied, but me and the new front desk chick now have this fact in common, and I spent a great deal of time shitting on her inability to see past this relationship of sorts, and moving on. The same problem clogs my arteries, and for sure will do so for years to come.

What kind of no balls loser am I? Eff me. Eff me twice.

Also…does that make me an alcoholic that I only have the intestinal fortitude to risk the eventual rejection from a lady whilst in the clutches of the OE? I say no. But its probably not entirely healthy.

mother eff ur laugh

Yes, another random rant about people with annoying laughs. They have to know how annoying their laugh is right? How can they not? They have to be at least slightly self aware right? I mean I know I am dominican and awesome. And why is it these people are the people that laugh more than other people? People with normal laughs aren't out there constantly laughing. They go out and laugh when a laugh is warranted. Like when a midget gets donkey-punched by a fat chick. But people with annoying laughs? They laugh at absolutely everything. These bastards think Amanda Bynes is funny. They watch Friends. And laugh. They own Dane Cook albums. And listen to them. I can't freaking take it. I have been almost constantly listening to my iPod the last few days, but every time I take out my earphones, I am aurally assaulted by some jackass with a laugh that replicates someone stabbing me in the ears with a steak knife. Only without the subsequent sweet relief of no longer being able to hear.

fun hobby

My new favorite past time? Leaving awkwardly long voicemails on peoples phones. It especially fun for those whose voicemail program does not allow them to delete a message until the entire message has played. I think people really enjoy losing a couple minutes of there day listening to me rattle on incoherently just to make the message longer.

In other news, I might be coming home sooner than expected. Will keep you all posted.

- pun intended.

RIP george carlin

George Carlin
The man who gave the world one of the best stand up routines in comedy EVER..."Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television" has passed.

May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008

You will live forever my dude.

Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, Tits; FOREVER!!

missed clothesline opportunity

Yesterday while I was walking to my car after having dinner I seriously witnessed the following...

A girl was jogging. Her phone beeped. She stopped, text messaged someone and then continued running.

PAUSE!

Strike One: You're running, while in my mind I am still enjoying my Caramel Cheesecake delight.

Strike Two: In the midst of your pseudo-healthy routine, you stop and give yourself brain cancer via cell phone.

Seriously! You couldn't go 30 minutes without access to text messages while you ran? In addition, you had to stop running to text message this person back? How important could that text message have been?

I seriously thought about clotheslining this idiot when she ran past me after texting someone. But I was still so shocked by those events that I missed my opportunity. But I swear to you, if I ever witness this again there will not be a strike three; I refuse to miss my opportunity to clothesline an idiot like that.

awesomeness

So yea.... it came to my attention today that my boy Clark Kent uttered the following:

"I like to have sex with Republican girls. That way I feel like I am knocking some sense into them."

I knew I liked that guy for a reason. Great quote. Great sentiment. Well verbalized.

Dead to me mondays

In the past I attempted to write helpful bi-weekly tutorials on "How to" etc... but appearantly I am not that helpful of a person... I am however filled with hatred which leads to my current epiphany....

Going forward I shall write.. "Dead To Me" snapshots into the deep recess of my black heart. ENJOY

So as I was sitting at my computer checking my email... roughly 10 car alarms went off in my neighborhood. Awesome, I love the sound of car alarms in the morning.
So people with car alarms, you are dead to me.

Eh... Anyone? when was the last time a car alarm went off and you even looked to determine where it was coming from? The car alarm has become merely a nuisance, and in no way protects your car. If I was stealing your car, and set off the alarm, and someone came up to me (which first off would never happen because I am large dominican male... no one cares when a car alarm goes off. NO ONE) I would just say I can't find my clicker, and they would absolutely buy that and not care, and probably help you turn off the alarm.
CAR ALARMS ARE WORTHLESS. If someone wants to steal your car, the fact that your car makes annoying noises while they are doing it isn't going to do shit. Deal with it.
So again I repeat... people with car alarms, you are dead to me.

Dead to me - TOO FUR PRAS OF WON

Clark Kent, consider yourself lucky. I am going to give you a pass on being dead to me...but only for showing up at my spot, saying your not going to drink, then playing beer-bong jenga (a brand new game devised, I like it to playing Russian Roulette with only one empty chamber), which eventually led to a heated rivalry game where you defended the honor of Larger-Than-Life-Cuban-Super-Heroes (if there is any) against the dominican dominator(named moons ago by Crazy Jorge).

However, you left a nearly full beer. So since I can't call you out, I will call out people who leave nearly full beers laying around. You are dead to me.

If you can't drink the whole beer, DON'T open the damn thing. It's a waste. Its not like you can open a beer, not finish it and just toss it in the fridge and finish it tomorrow. Beer is not something that you can just leave around. Once it opens, it's a race to finish it before it becomes skunky.

Secondly, it's a matter of personal responsibility to finish something you open. Didn't your parents teach that you are supposed to finish things you start? Didn't it start for you at the dinner table where your parents wouldn't let you leave the table till you finished your plate? Personal responsibility people. Step up and finish what you started.

So people who don't finish your beer, you are dead to me.

A/C Slayer

I have managed to cleverly devised yet a new nick name for my accident prone condo/poon-palace/batchelor pad. It shall now be known as "Death of AC Slayer". Yes, its a play on words.. ac slater, being the 90s pop icon from saved by the bell.

Just for some background info...my AC compressor managed to commit suicide tonight by drowning itself, and the rest of my condo along with it. It appearantly became somehow "backed up", and caused my entire unit to implode. By the time I came home, my entire place was 2 inches of cold-death-water deep. I now have hours of phone-tag with the preverbial fucks at my flood insurance company to look forward to tomorrow, along with a/c repairman shopping. Hurray for me, and Hurray for my emo-A/C unit.

DAMN YOU AC SLAYER.

AC Compressor, you are dead to me.

beverly hills cop 4 = eddies last movie

Beverly Hills Cop 4 might be his last movie... In a recent interview he stated:

"Thirty years and I have close to 50 movies and it is like, ..Why am I in the movies? I've done that part now....I'll go back to the stage and do stand-up."


"The (third) movie wasn't ready to be done and they (producers) wrote some s**t down on paper and I said, ..Is this your phone number?' and they said, ..This is how much we're going to pay you.'

"I said, ..Let's go shoot it! I don't care if the script ain't right.'"

What does that mean to me? get ready for a crappy sequel, but silver lining is..

EDDY MURPHY BACK IN LEATHER OUTFIT DOING STAND UP!

dead to me thursdays

this will be brief...mostly because I am writing this from my uber cool cell phone but also because I am driving to work. ha. picture this...stuck at a red light...random asshole in a gray volvo decides to get out of his car and appearantly do taxes out of his trunk or move something impairing his vision [which ever you find more appealing] and ofcourse the light turns green after waiting what feels like three years for it to change...asshole driver is still scramblin thru his trunk...cars are honking..random fingers are flying everywhere... and yes finallllllly he notices and stumbles back in his car...light changes to red. he takes the light........ and that's it. he goes on about his business while I have to wait another three years. I hate you gray volvo driver. you are dead to me

HOW TO: Survive your next hospital stay

For those that were not already aware. I was fortunate enough to spend this past week in the uber-posh-Cleveland Clinic in Weston having arthroscopic surgery on my appendix; needless to state the obvious: surgery was a success.

Not to take anything away from the grandiose surgeons and wonderful hospital staff for not only operating and treating my illness, but also ensuring that I was able to leave with both my good health and sense of humor intact. Personally I only noticed one small detail that the hospital folks may have inadvertantly ignored... how incredibly boring actually staying in a hospital can be. So here I find myself writing a brief "How to survive your next hospital stay". This is a service to all those who suddenly find themselves hospitalized for one reason or another, and are contemplating ODing on morphine to avoid having nothing-to-do. There are several keys to avoid the pitfalls of having nothing to do, like boredom.

1. Spread out things that you have to do. If your surgeon has instructed you to do breathing exercises for your lungs(blow into a plastic tube), walk incessantly(50 steps), sleep atleast 8 hours(easy task with pain meds), and "keep a log of your logs"(count your flushes), DONT do it all in one day (which you easily could do). Instead spread it out over the whole week. When you tell people what you have to do, embellish how important these things are and how long they will take. You will seem significantly less lazy, and you might even convince yourself that you accomplished something.


2. Don't sleep in too late, but don't get up too early, either. If you are getting up everyday and get to choose whether you eat lunch or breakfast, that's a little too late. I recommend getting up around 10 or so. Then you can eat breakfast, watch some crappy TV and go do your daily 50 steps by noon. This way you haven't wasted the day, but you still get a solid amount of sleep.


3. If you run across any male nurses, mock them incessantly. Then ask them to help you "go to the bathroom", because you are likely drenched in your own urine. Unless, of course, you have only have cute friendly female nurses, in which case if please contact me immediately.

4. This one is important because if followed to the Tee your boredom level will have been instantly cut by half. VISITORS; they are a key part in keeping you entertained while hospitalized. The most valuable piece is balancing them out during your stay. Specifically giving them alloted time slots, and managing your visitor time effectively. For example...only invite a boring co-worker over if the following apply: a)something "good" is scheduled to come on TV b)you will be receiving a heavy dosage of meds within the next 10 minute window c)they are coming over near the end of visiting hours. If these are not following, you will be forced to sit there for hours on end doing the How are you Feeling-20-questions.

5. Finally, when your hospital vacation is over, do make up wild stories of the adventures you had. Possibilities include meeting: Dougie Howser, Saving a nurse's life by doing the heimlich maneuver on her during her lunch break, breaking up a multi-clinic drug cartel, and making medical history by pooping out a 7 year old piece of gum enclosed in a time capsule.

Use this simple advice to make the most of your hospital stay.

dead to me sundays

This will be brief, but self explanatory

To my innefectual Appendix,

You are the cause for all of my reason ailment and agony. I despise you, and everything you stand for. Appendix, you are dead to me. Literally...

How to Weds: How to be friends with a Cynic!

***I would like to apologize for the recent decrease in new blogs and postings. It's been an incredibly hectic October, and from the looks of it, November won't be much better. Alas, that is life, and with that said......... off to the blog!***

The most crucial part would be identifying if this blog even applies to you, and your possibly-cynic friend. To do so, you must first understand the meaning of the word "cynic".

Mirriam-Webster defines as follows:

Main Entry:
cyn·ic
Pronunciation:
..ˈsi-nik..
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Middle French or Latin, Middle French cynique, from Latin cynicus, from Greek kynikos, literally, like a dog, from kyn-, kyōn dog — more at hound
Date:
1542
1capitalized : an adherent of an ancient Greek school of philosophers who held the view that virtue is the only good and that its essence lies in self-control and independence
2: a faultfinding captious critic ; especially : one who believes that human conduct is motivated wholly by self-interest
— cynic adjective

So now that we have identified the meaning of this, lets dissect it further.

1) Keep an OPEN mind and do your due dilligence to find out...Why is your friend a cynic? They might have been burned in the past by being too trusting, or they might have issues from their childhood. Asking about past relationships is not necessarily a bad thing or too nosy. It has been my experience, they are usually willing to share.

2) Value their opinion. Just because they are cynical by no means does this make them wrong. Investigate the possibility that their concerns are valid and they not just trying to rain on your parade.

3) Discard their opinion if you decide their concerns are in fact not valid. PAUSE, this is important because they might simply be trying to rain on your parade, and if you believe that's the case, it's better to ignore the cynic's outlook and develop a more positive one yourself.

4) Ask them to Shut-Their-Face if their rants are getting too distracting. If they truly respect you, a friend will always give you space. If they care about you, they will give you support. If the cynic absolutely can not be a friend to you, consider taking a break from working so hard to be their friend. - This will be the true test of your friendship.

5) Take time away from your cynical friend. They drain your positive energy, and you need to replenish that before you see them again and go back to that stressful situation.

If none of the steps above apply, or helped you in any way it might be due toone of two possibilies:
One - You're a cynical douche, and this blog is about YOU... or ...
Two - I'm an ineffective cynical blogging douche.

Either way, blog on!

bozo the clown

"But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown."

- Carl Sagan
US astronomer & popularizer of astronomy (1934 - 1996)

Open letter to IT

Dear Migration CutOver Planner,

It's my duty to point out that scheduling a "30 minute" CMR conference call at 3am on a Saturday under the guise of "not interrupting production" is complete and utter bullshit. Even more so when that 30 minute call, ends up being FOUR hours long, and 3 1/2 of those could have been completely avoided by simply asking everyone for their user log ins and passwords in advance.

Seriously, dialing into to this conference call IS disruptive of MY production time, I was "lounging". Weekends are for being with my friends and family, and
sometimes lounging in a drunk stupor at the hotel.


Fuck you very much,


-waK the midger hunter

without me, its just aweso

get ready.