Wednesday, May 20, 2009

NY road trip recap

At first this will all appear like a bunch of mushed together random thoughts...and this is true, because for the most part it is.

1. Catchphrase of the drive - DEAD DEER - noun. Any of numerous slender-legged ruminant mammals deprived of life. (e.g: Yo that was like the 18th dead dear, WTF is going on?)

2. Thanks to Travis bka BIG BLACK aka DASH aka WarMachine our 5 hour journey somehow turns into an 11 hour clusterfuck. Mind you... we are using a GPS device (fyi tomtom rocks) He chooses the toll-less roads, even tho there are no tolls to be paid during memorial day weekend, and we end up taking the scenic route from ALBANY... to get to manhattan. :pause: Yea. thats what I said.

3. Arrive around 9:30pm, we meet ammiel, our trustworthy-do-well tour guide. Also he is Parm-e-Sean's jamaica queens cousin. We drop off our shit at Parm's cousin's house in queens... link up with ammiel and head off to the city. Easy enough, we see the big city, big lights. We end up in a strip club called Lace, or some variation of that word. It's cool, because a) its a strip club, and b) its in timesquare. During the usual stripsearch at the front gate, I manage to befriend the frontdoor bouncer, who allegedly happens to also be from FL...infact we went to the same school, same campus, and he allegedly knew "that big headed broad tu-lu". (another story, for another day) GOOD TIMES. Fast forward. Dash gets a lapdance from some random black broad compliments of Deez and Parm. He goes from DASH to BIGBLACK in .0005 seconds, he is already at Hurricane Charlie Category 3. Unfortunately I am too sober to take him up on this. We quickly become wary of this place mostly due to their 16 dollar tequila shots. Which incidentally were immediately purchased by the Dash and Parm.

4. On our way back to queens we see a gypsy claiming he can guess birth months and weight. He guesses the birth month of ammiel, but I out gypsy him when he tries to guess my weight. He guesses 320, which I weighed when I was 17. Ammiel continued to express his distaste for gypsies for the remainder of the weekend.

5. FLASHBACK prior to getting to NY...It is decided to go join some of our new co-workers and have a couple drinks at a local pool place. Parm and Deez play the game of their life in game 1 and somehow defeat myself and my new anglo-friend of the night "ED". It doesn't happen again. We are doing the praying mantis style on the pool table, and destroy all hope of winning. CELEBRATION, we have 8-to9 rounds of tequila shots. We manage to knock back 3 tequila bottles. Cabo Wabo, Patron Silver, and Patrol Gold. Soon Hurricane Charlie has been upgraded to a Category 5 hurricane. After several extremely belated dive attempts, taking off his shirt and some incoherent ramblings, my new friend ED immediately throws the LOUDEST puke i have ever heard. I seriously wasn't sure if it was a jet engine or Anglo-Ed puking. At least 100 decibels. Probably more. Unreal. He hurls chucks in the bathroom, and returns with vague coherence. We decide to go to a local strip club. It is rumored there are midget strippers there. This grabs my complete and total attention, we hed there. Alas, No midgets, dissapointment.

6. Mormons are REALLY fucking scary, thats all.

7. Saturday. Start the day feeling like hell. Continue feeling like hell. I wake up, with an entire leather couch up my ass, this does not feel comfortable. BigBlack actually meditated through out the night... Deez slept on the floor, at his foot side. Parm, was tucked away on a couch, and Ammiel was also on the floor. The Sunrise crew is dragging ass so we quickly regroup at dunkin donuts for a caffeine relapse moment. Parm-e-sean and Ammiel return from their morning adventures. Parm's catchphrase "I smell like boobs."

8. The following night we sleep somewhat less comfortable. We manage to hunt down a motel.. no an INN.. somewhere in the "livier part" of queens. The room is literally the size of the interior of a small kia reo. The entire hotel staff look like porn stars, I suspect they actually are porn stars, since all the channels in the room are FREE porn. Also, Dash was quick to point out, it looked like it was filmed in the room we were staying in. good times.

9. BACKFAT! Did I mention that Dan and I decided to get massive margaritas that we then augmented with the remnants of Patron? I am not sober at this point. We make it back to Springhill and I am exhausted and think I am being a pussy because its only 10. It comes to my attention that is in fact 230. PA is the devil. We decide to head back to the strip. This part of the night has been heavily redacted by alcohol.

10. I forgot to mention our theory about Manhattan and Deez. The lights of NY to D are like the yellow sun of earth is to Superman. The corollary to this theory is that sobriety is his kryptonite.

11. Monday should be redacted. A terrible Pens loss, followed by a long drive home. Not awesome.

12. We went to chinatown. I locate the shiestiest chinese man I could find, and work a deal with him for a "gucci wallet"; he later also cons Deez into purchasing a purse for his mom. We ate at a chinese buffet for under 4 dollars, later to find out we may have possibly eaten a "large hawk". (sidenote: we were under the impression it was chicken)

13. At this point, I refuse to change the order of these random mental notes. We ate the most incredible NY pizza. It dripped kerosene. delicious.

14. Deez manages to get groped in EVERY single form of transportation available in nyc. First, Parm-e-Sean and Dash witness the ultimate ownership of Deez by fei long on the subway. Later, I notice deez being groped in the bus (picture somewhere). He later gets molested by Bob. GIGGITY GOO!

15. I smoked a dominican cigar in time square; there is nothing more to this. This was just a highlight for me. Thanks.

16. One last thing, and the ultimate highlight for me. I now own an IronMan hat! That rocks, really it does. If you don't share my level of enthusiasm about this particular hat, you suck.

end of blog


editor note:

I will add more, as I remember more

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