Wednesday, May 20, 2009

how to mondays: make the first call

this how to stems from that awkward first call (editors note: just made one).

i may be the only one that needs this "how to"... but maybe there are others that are as inept as i am making that first this tutorial was created for all those who might need that EXTRA encouragement..word

so here is the scenario: you meet a girl (or guy, depending on stance on penis). you get the number. GREAT! now... 3 days later (thanks SWINGERS for sortin that one out) and you have to make the call.

this call is key... because most likely you got the number will intoxicated, and she most definitely was intoxicated if she gave your ass her phone number... so in this call you HAVE to impress upon this girl that you are charming, clever and possibly good looking (while obfuscating the fact that you are neither charming, clever or even slightly attractive).

so these calls turn out one of three ways:

1. Most likely she gave you a fake number. the only thing one needs to know on this is how to deal with it. i recommend either one of two things...heavy dosages of alcohol or a sturdy well tied-noose.

2. You go to voicemail. this will be because she wont recognize your number and/or is screening your number. the voicemail message give you 30 seconds to be witty, tell her who you are, and so on. the problem is, 30 seconds isnt really enough time to convince her that you are witty or charming, but it is ample time to convince her you are a complete fucking moron...word... which you most likely are.(learn to cope with it) i hate to give advice that stems from George Costanza... but.. "you need to have a gameplan going in". TRUST ME... you are not clever enough to just wing it. it will inevitably end in embarrassment..important things to note... in your voicemail you should indentify yourself, preferrably in witty fashion. or as witty as you can come up with. which probably wont be very witty. i usually rely on my abnormally large penis as an identifier, but whatever works for you. additionally, you should mention that you are busy, but you could probably work them into your schedule. the girl will equate busy with you are interesting and potentially make heaps of money....i understand chicks dig that.

3. The girl actually are screwed. get ready for horrificly awkward pauses... contrived unfunny humor... and shame. once again you should have a gameplan. and always keep it short. the longer you are on the phone, the sooner this girl is going to realize that you are a tool and want to move on and find someone better looking than you who makes more money than you.

anyways, despite all my help, you are still probably screwed and will be faced with at best an "awkward conversation". Good luck with that.

--editors note--

damn you cheap liquor at calle ocho, damn you to hell... who the hell was that chick i just called? UGH!

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