Dear Asshole who stole my cell phone,
I hope at some point you read my text messages and realize I am an evil bastard with a lot of free time. I will find you, and eat your face, with some faava beans. No - not really, please just give me my phone back. We can do lunch, I'll buy you chinese food. Also, I promise I will not stab you in the heart with the chopsticks. Okay, must admit I did think about it. Fine, I'm still thinking about it now. Alright, honestly I can't really guarantee the no-stabbing-with-the-chopsticks thing, but I will buy you an eggroll. You can definitely get an eggroll. WIN WIN for both of us!
Fuck you man.
Just give me back my fucking phone =(