Monday, July 6, 2009

whats that smell?

So, last week I decide to leave work early and enjoy the rest of the afternoon. I take a short 60 second drive down to the beach (its about 5 minutes walking - but alas I am lazy, and enjoy air conditioning) When I get to the beach I end up pulling up to my favorite pseudo-bar, Fat Tuesday. Tradition dictates I order wings, and raw oysters. Also, they have this drink called 190 octane, its like a frozen fruit drink soaked in bacardi 151 and some other choice liquors. Yea! that drink is "the tits". I get reasonably hammered, not enough to call a cab, but just enough to ignore extremely noticable things (ultimately the reason behind this blog)

So I end up driving home, this turned out to be a rather long drive. You see, I wasnt exactly sober, so my normal 10 minute commute ended up being about an hour, give or take a minute. Yes, I know not very responsible, but fuck you, its not like you offered to drive me back to my poon-layer. Anyhow, many hours later after I awakened from a power nap I decide "hmm some cheetos would be fucking awesome right now!". I hop in my car, when all of a a kangaroo kicking an aboriganee in the chest...i was hit by this awful pungent musky stench. One of those smells that would make the mosquitos in those "feed the hungry" infomercials fly away grasping for oxygen. Yea, effin awesome.

This was actually the high point of the evening, it gradually got worse. You see my "where in the world is carmen san diego" inspector skills kicked in. I NEEDED to find the source of this stench. I start to do a little cosmetic-digging in the layers of filth in my car. (sidenote: its usually clean, but you see, i've been a slob this past week, also, i was drunk, f u, dont judge me) Okay, so here I go. Fingering through the finger touches something smooth, gooey, and uhm wet. Now usually I would be turned on by that, but this wasn't your normal "smooth gooey wetness" it was attached to a shell. Yea - a fucking oyster shell. I need you to sit there, and think about an oyster shell being in my car for an undisclosed amount of time, under the florida sun. RIGHT? fucking gross!

If you havent been in my immediate circle of friends, you may not be aware of the random literal-shit that occurs in my car. Let me fill you in: feces, urine, dying animals, rotten burritos, and countless regurgitation have occured there. Its not on purpose, but it kinda just happens. Basically funk in my car, is just a normal occurence. At some point my a/c was not functional, this added a certain je ne ces pas to my cars already sterling reputation as "the funk box".

Back to the Oyster, so here I am holding this boiling-hot half-eaten shell of funk. I then remember how it ended up in my car in the first place. I had pick-pocketed a bottle of hot sauce from Fat Tuesdays, because I wanted to eat raw oysters while my feet lingered in the beach water. That never happened by the way - In the end I just stole hotsauce for no apparent reason, and had 4 raw oysters baking in my backseat. I quickly discard them by chucking it out of my window as hard as possibly could. I manage to scrub everywhere the oyster touched, and soak the carpet in potpourri goodness. Happy to report that my car now smells like petunias. While cleaning I found about $8 dollars in change, tickets to xmen:wolverine, a stewie doll, and visine. All in all, a good day.

Oh yea, that shell, definitely landed inside the truckbed of my neighbors. The douchebag who likes to blast NIN in the morning. yea, go fuck that like an animal. #oysterwin #truckbedfail


fredwgarrettiii said...

THIS is hilarious! Only YOU would have this experience. I just wish you had the forethought to take pictures of the offending crustacean in you car! :p


ihuntmidgets said...

FML, I didnt get a pic. actually let me check if its still in the truck bed. ROFL

N'gai said...

You sick bad man!

tifferny said...

omg sweetie...only you would have this experience. *shakes head...grins*