Wednesday, September 9, 2009

How to Weds: Masturbate at work

If this is your first time reading one of my "HOW TO" Series of blogs, you are in for a treat; when you're done I recommend you go read the other HOW TOs... now off to the blog ->

There are written rules of proper conduct while at work. These are meant to define acceptable behaviors, and promote standard of practice. Now, outside of the adult industry world, masturbating on the clock is frawned upon. In fact, most companies often discourage all sexual activities, and even go as far as grouping them together under 'sexual harassment'. These are misguided folks, who do not comprehend that every man and/or woman should be able to masturbate as they deem necessary.

On the flip side, we can not afford complete jerk-off mayhem, so in keeping with the code of conduct mentality, I will share some quick (no pun intended) masturbation recommendations on how, where, and when to rub one out. These are written from a heterosexual male perspective; please adjust for your preferences.

AVOID: public stroking, is a no-go, yea, I know it's a lot to ask for, but trust me on this one. Everyone masturbates, and everyone defacates, and YES not everyone enjoys watching those. If they do, they probably already have it saved in their Favorites folder at their home PC.

PREPARE: This is an integral part of this process. If you are planning on using lube, wetnaps, or any visual aide make sure it is at your disposal at least three days prior. You do not need to make any last minute adjusments.

SCHEDULING: You have to commit, set aside adequate time. I recomend scheduling between two stressful meetings, or perhaps post-meeting with your supervisor. As a rule of thumb masturbating during conference calls is perfectly okay. There are a handfull of exceptions, mainly video conference calls.

COMMUNICATION: Always remember to switch of your mobile phone, I would even suggest an out-of-office autoreply in your outlook inbox. A vague message should do the trick. "I am currently handling a very delicate situation, will reply back shortly"

LOCATION: Much like with real estate, location is everything. A personal office with locked doors would be optimal. You might even try to reserve a conference room, party of one. If these are not viable options, I can suggest the handicap stall bathroom. Under no circumstance should you use your boss's office, not even if they are out of town. (I learned this one the "hard" way)

CLEAN-UP: Its a dirty job, but somebody has to do it. Fight the urge to call maintenance to clean up the "mayonaisse spill on the floor". Odds are they were listening through the walls, and they know its your knuckle-butter. This is where PREPARATION pays off, you should already have adequate supplies handy to clean up quickly.

HUSH-UP: It is a serious breach of masturbation etiquette to divulge information to others about said masturbation. What has been taken place between you and your meat should be considered as confidential. Do not leave your office with a nicholsonesque joker face, they will know. Also avoid giving everyone high fives.

In the words of Charlie Murphy, "I beat my meat, like it owes me money".

That is all for now.


Nikki aka @Kookies_N_Kream said...

Good advice!! Good thing I have my own office ::closes door:: j/p...or am I?? lol

Frankie Nichelle said...

chronic masturbater here! I've done it at work. I usually go to the bathroom on the 4th floor (nobody ever uses it). I'm a handicapped stall girl myself. I go in feeling grumpy/stressed out and then come out feeling that episode of Good Times when J.J. got engaged to that chick Diana (Debbie Allen) and she was on heroin. Remember?

Basadd said...

This was back when i used to work, and not be a total moocher type --- I would def. do it in the bathroom stall usually daily. It actually helped me work better. Serious.

Nandoism™ said...

you are too cool for school! (wait--what kind of comment was that?) Okay, here's a better one--this post was on the money. and i thought i was the only one who took masterbation breaks, did i mention, i work from home?

MsFreshBananaPuddin said...

Not only do you tweet, you blog. And you blog about helpful things, like self pleasure @ work. Loves it. Puddin approved :)


you had me at knuckle butter

Itty Bitty Crazy said...

Um.... Spunk smells. I'd know what youd been doing no matter how well you cleaned up. I'd smell it on you and in your office. So adk yourself this: If I can, which of your female colleagues can too?

Oh- I should add that it's not a pleasant smell. A friend in high school once told me spunk tasted like ice cream. I now know that little bitch was a virgin.

And for the women out there like me who are gushers and moaners, there is in NO WAY you could get away with this in the office unless you were in the company showers and they happened to be triple sound proofed.

Last but not least, there are VERY few attractive men where I work and I don't work with any of them directly. OK, I work with ONE of them but he once caught me staring in our weekly meeting and, at the same time, someone asked me a question I didn't hear. So I rein it in now.

So I guess I envy you? Maybe. Maybe not.