Friday, September 16, 2011

Poop rapture

While at work yesterday I heard an announcement over the intercom saying something about "Construction workers broke the main water line outside, please don't use the bathrooms or faucets in the kitchen for the next half hour".

Typically I would have ignored this, but it just so happens that I was holding a one liter bottle of water, which by now was completely drained. At this point the homeland security warning level was at High Yellow. and I questioned my ability to hold out for 30 minutes.

I chose to ignore the intercom request and decided on using the bathroom because thanks to aforementioned announcement, it was now necessary for me to go ASAP. I mumbled to myself "If no one has used the bathroom, the toilet should have at least ONE flush available which would meet my needs. Delicious."

As I casually stroll over to the bathroom, I noticed one of the IT guys down the hall. His face was sweatier than usual, hands were clammy. I know he was clinching, and it wasn't for urine; he needed to drop a double deuce. I power-walked and beat him to the bathroom, at which point I closed the stall behind me, let out a loud thunderous fart and let my pee flow freely. I flushed. I don't wash my hands (there's no water, remember?) and see the IT guy outside. Waiting.

We fist bump and he goes in. I know he's dropping the biggest deuce of his life, but there's no more water and he knows, that I know.

Using my ninja-skills, I hide at the office nearest to the bathroom until I see him stumble out. He made it a point to avoid eye contact.

I wanted to play it cool and go tend to my managerial duties but curiosity got the best of me. And against my better judgement I go in to see how he got rid of the evidence. Then I see it. The most gruesome yet beautiful thing I've ever seen.

A shit pinata.

That's when you stack toilet paper, shit, and repeat until it creates a solid paper mache roll of toilet paper. It was art.

The shit was so well packed, that it was almost camouflaged by the amount of toilet paper used. To the untrained eye, it would look like the lid was put down on a toilet.

I was startled when I heard footsteps, worried that someone might think I was responsible for the poop rapture. I hustled back to my work area and within seconds hear the announcement:

"The water main has been fixed but the bathroom is out of work for half hour".